Dead Letter Office–from the archives

Cleaning out the files this weekend, I found a folder full of correspondence from bands, managers, publicists, etc., most of it dating back to the mid-1990s. The following letter is from an unidentified “Evergreen Fan,” who objected to a writeup I did on his favorite band. (I would scan it and show you the original, but it’s a fax paper sheet that’s so faded it’s barely legible. As it is, I’ll type it in exactly as it’s typed on the fax, all-caps, grammar, and typos are the letter writer’s, not mine.) I only wish I could locate the original review that sparked this classic rant…

KEVIN,
IAM A HARD CORE EVERGREEN FAN WHO THINKS THAT EVERY TIME YOU GIVE THESE GUYS A REVIEW, YOU ALWAYS GIVE THEM A BAD RAP, RATHER IT BE SOMETHING PERSONAL I DON’T KNOW, BUT IT KINDA SEEMS THAT WAY OR IF NOT MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHECK ON GETTING A HEARING AID FOR YOURSELF BECAUSE IN NO SHAPE OR FORM DOES THESE GUYS SOUND LIKE BON-JOVI NOT EVEN IN THE SLIGHTEST, ON TOP OF, BOY DO YOU REALLY HAVE IT IN FOR THE GUITAR PLAYER, WHO IS VERY VERY GOOD, BUT THE WAY YOU PHRASED HIS PLAYING WAS TOTALLY ABSURD AND I THINK YOUR JEALOUS OF THESE GUYS OR YOU WOULD GIVE THEM A BREAK AND A GOOD REVIEW FOR ONCE IN YOUR PATHETIC JEALOUS LIFE. IT JUST SEEMS THAT YOU ARE TOTALLY PICKING ON THESE GUYS AND YOU FOR ONE DO NOT EVEN PLAY IN A BAND OR FOR THAT MATTER AS FAR AS I KNOW, NOT EVEN AN INSTRUMENT, SO WHERE DO YOU GET OFF TELLING HOW SOMEONE SHOULD PLAY OR EVEN CRITICIZING SOMEONE THAT PLAYS WHEN YOUR EASIEST JOB IS TO SET BACK AND CUT DOWN BANDS THAT WORK THEIR ASSES OFF TO GET SOMEWHERE IN LIFE. GO BEYOND THEIR LOOKS KEVIN, SO WHAT IF EVERY WOMAN THINKS THEIR GORGEOUS, MAYBE EVEN SOME GIRLS YOU HAVE BEEN WITH, I DON’T KNOW. BUT WHATEVER YOUR PROBLEM IS WITH THIS BAND, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF FOR EVEN TRYING TO PUT OUT A BAD REVIEW ON A BAND THAT EVERYBODY TO MY KNOWLEDGE ENJOYS BUT YOU. ARE YOU DEAF?! GET A LIFE KEVIN OLIVER, LEARN HOW TO WRITE THE RIGHT THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE AND PUT YOUR JEALOUSY AWAY FOR CHRIST SAKES. THESE GUYS AND EVERY OTHER BAND THAT YOU HAVE WROTE SORRY ASS THINGS ABOUT SHOULD GET AN APOLOGY FROM YOU THAT THEY DESERVE WRITTEN UP IN THE FREE TIMES, BUT OF COURSE WHY WOULD YOU PUBLISH SOMETHING BAD ABOUT YOU WHEN ITS EASIER TO PUBLISH THINGS BAD ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE THAT YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH BECAUSE YOU ARE THE WRITER FOR FREE TIMES, WELL I DON’T THINK THAT YOU WOULD HAVE THE @#$%$! TO PUBLISH THIS ONE, BECAUSE YOU MIGHT JUST SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE WOULD AGREE THAT YOU ARE ONE COLD, NOT KNOWING ABOUT MUSIC, WANNA BE WRITER WHO NEEDS TO GET A LIFE. OR MAYBE JUST SOME GOOD TASTE. I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THE THINGS I HAVE SAID IN THIS LETTER FOR YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU PISS PEOPLE OFF FOR YOUR BABY JEALOUSY TOWARDS BANDS. HAVE YOUEVER CONSIDERED ABOUT MAYBE TAKING SOME MUSIC CLASSES, MAYBE THAT WILL HELP IN THE MEANWHILE WHILE YOU ARE OUT GIVING OTHER BANDS BAD REVIEWS, THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS IN THIS LETTER SO AT LEAST WHEN YOU GET YOUR NEXT ONE FROM SOMEONE ELSE COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR IGNORANCE, THEN IT JUST WON’T SEEM LIKE IT’S JUST A PISSED OFF FAN OF EVERGREEN, BUT A PISSED OFF FAN OF A LOT OF BANDS WE GO PAY OUR MONEY TO SEE.

WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE
AN EVERGREEN FAN FOR SURE

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